Today is the 30th June 2016. 

I've been thinking about the same quote since I watched the Long Island medium last night. And I guess it's stuck in my head because of how well I thought it fits what I'm feeling.

'I just feel like the walls are closing in on me...... And there's nothing I can do.'

Sometimes I wished he didn't survived the resuscitation. Other times, I just wanna pack my bags and go because the sight of seeing you on your phone and not trying hard enough around the house just makes me wanna stay further away from you. 

Why? Because I've tried talking about it for so many times I no longer wanna try anymore. You have made me feel that no matter how many times I try things will only get better for that three seconds and it will go back to square one. 

And it's doesn't just apply to that phone game, there are other things too and you know it and you know what I'm referring to.

I just wanna try and live my own life right now, and the more I think about it the more I wanna stay away and be independent and solo. Everybody is tired, I don't wanna be forcing too much anymore coz it's pointless and ineffective.

I also no longer wanna talk about the situation with anybody because nobody will understand. They don't know the feeling of having a normal son given to you and something happened to what it is today. I don't fucking need sympathy..., I need a normal life and unless you can give me that, please go away and stay away. 

Today is the 22nd June 2016. I can't help but realized that I'm here for at least the third time trying to write out my thoughts.

I'm not sure if I'll eventually complete this post and have it published or would have the draft done half way and it forever stays a draft like the last two. 

I can't really decide what words I should use to describe how I feel anymore... Coz it just keeps getting worse. 

Ever felt like your future looks so weak you feel like you're gonna be a loser the rest of your life? Ever felt that you've tried so many stuffs but nothing is helping? Ever felt like you feel stuck and you might just be stuck for a very long time? 

That's exactly what I'm made up of right now. 

My goals are seemingly fading... Do I still want the same things? Because it seems like the current situation does not allow me to balance between life goals and family, it's almost a flat out mission impossible. It's one way or other... And I'm tired trying. 

I've come to a point where I've stopped trying for certain things. I've tried till my disappointments have run empty. If I no longer get very angry at the usual things, it's probably because I'm done trying with you. 

My faith is leaking and running low too; I don't know what or who to believe anymore. Praying seems more like a greeting of respect rather than a hope for miracle.

Everyday is just passing like a day I gotta go through with. Everyday I feel the pinch when I see healthy children, every one of them pricks my heart. There's no hatred don't get me wrong, it's more like turning that knife that's already stabbed into you.

And that's... how I spent my birthday two days ago... 

Today is the 16th January 2016.

This is... So disappointing. And you are causing all the biggest disappointments. 

I thought I can rely and trust you the most you know? Even more than my family. But it's so so disappointing. 

I specifically told you not to buy the fishes yet, but my words were totally ignored. You bought it regardlessly and didn't tell me until I said we should go shop for fishes together. What's the point of not telling me? 

I felt worthless and I felt like I meant nothing to you because what I said was as if they never said at all.  

I was laughing at first because I knew you would do it. I knew from bottom you'll buy the fishes because I told you to go home early to catch some rest. That's why I texted you. But you still bought the fishes, the extra time was meant for you to rest, not go buy some FUCKING FISHES. It proved that I was so right about you. And the disappointments comes in later, like a really big air balloon filling up and bursting. I kept crying that night. I stopped my tears but I couldn't help but cry again and again and again. I felt like I should not trust you ever again. 

After all this time nobody could make me break down like this but you single-handedly did. 

And yesterday, you admitted that you started smoking again. After three months without cigarette, you started smoking again. I really don't understand, I don't understand at all! Why? Why? WHY??!!

THREE FUCKING MONTHS WITHOUT CIGARETTES WAS SUCH A GOOD CHANCE TO QUIT IT TOTALLY!!! 

I should have known better, I smelt faint cigarettes smell few days ago. I should have known. 

I should have known that you will never change your stubbornness with your never ending excuses. 

I'm not gonna try and change you anymore. You're a father, a husband and one old enough to think. I'm gonna change myself instead. I have enough of your bullshit. 

It just made me more determine to have my own room in our next home to get away from your bullshit, coz that's what I'm gonna start doing, to cut you off. 

I think I'm done with this. 

Today is the 22nd December 2015. 

Christmas haven't been merry for two years in a row...

Oh Santa, is this punishment for being really bad six or seven years ago? I thought it was a yearly review, you know? 

I watched two festive movies yesterday, and can't help but dropped a tear when I see people being happy and joyful, because I'm not. 

Because I'm not...

Today is the 26th November 2015.

I've never been more depressed and unhappy in my life thus far. In what I do everyday now, I can hardly see any light at the end. I've lost the purpose of living. 

I've lost my patience, and I've lost my faith too. 

In this difficult time, I've received help truly grateful for. But they are mostly from my circle of people, doubling the favors I owed everyone. I feel really bad that these angels are helping me but I can't return them anything. My family have helped so much in so many ways and so many times. This is worse than finding out I have cancer. 

I thought my partner would fight this together, but he's physically and mentally too pathetically weak to do anything. It's obvious he's not trying hard enough, thinking he's still a patient in the ward. I don't even wanna talk about him or his family anymore. So much in me have died for him. 

I am unable to express my thoughts and emotions to anyone, not my best of friends, not my family, no one. Because they can understand what I'm going through is tough, but they will never feel what I feel. No one will be able to.

I took this chance of romance in exchange of giving up my dream, just to land myself in this situation today, it's a joke. I feel lonelier than ever trying to brave on this storm single handedly. I'm depleting my faith faster than I could possible replenish them. 

I think about giving up everyday, sometimes just a few times everyday, sometimes ten over times a day. I don't know why I'm pushing on, but I just work everyday for the sole purpose of completing them. There's hardly any sincerity felt anymore. I don't know when I'll finally give in, but I'm thinking soon. 

They say take a day off, give yourself a break. I've done it but it only got worse. 

Everything is meaningless, no point, disappointing and making me angry. It's bullshit bullshit BULLSHITTTTTT!

Today is the 30 April 2015. It's the eve of labor day, a long weekend awaits.

Hadda company event ended at One Fullerton today, and here I am, sitting by myself on a bench just next to Fullerton Bay Hotel. The view here is peaceful. I've got CBD just behind my back and panoramic view of Marina Bay Sands in my face. What an awesome way to end the work week.

It's been far too long that I haven't got time to myself like this, enjoying every bit of air and time the way I like. 

It was a last minute decision to postpone fetching home the baby and helper. I realized it was my chance to do this, I wouldn't let it slip away... I couldn't. 

I tried calling friends for last minute meet ups but none was able to. So I gave up and reckon I should probably have some me time. 

Haven't been happy recently, and I've no idea what's wrong. Nothing seems right anymore because everything I do makes me feel that I should be doing otherwise. The grass on the other side always seems to be greener. 

Should I work overtime to clear my work and perform better? Maybe I shouldn't because I miss my baby and I should be there to see him grow instead of having a job, let alone overtime?? 

Should I plan a trip to New York because I've been wanting to and now I've got a travel benefit working for Far East? Maybe I shouldn't because I should save up the money for my baby and rainy days. 

It's dreadful how I feel these days because nothing can make me truly happy. Things are so different now because we hardly get time to rest, and when we do, we run errands. We don't date anymore. Even on times when it's just the two of us, phone is your companion, not me. Because your engagement is with the phone 90% of the time. Who can I turn to when I'm sad?

We're reaching the stage to become familiar strangers. Hard truths. After all, we never really got to know each other well enough before we started dating. I have no idea what kind of lady attracts you. Neither do you otherwise. But we are, no doubt, two people who can go along really really well. 

Are we two people who's just following the brain too much instead of the heart? Doing the right thing too much? 

I'm so so lost. 

Today is the 15th February 2015 and it's 1.33am in the morning. 

I'm still in the hospital with Luke everyday and he's pending for discharge come Wednesday. Looking back, I'm here with him for almost two weeks, but never really stepped out of the room except to fetch hot water and sterilized milk bottles. 

I looked out of the window every single day, hoping he could recover instantly so we could go home and I could get back on my job. So I tried to be a even better mom by feeding and cleaning him as necessary. 

Yesterday, while feeding him his oral medication, he was whining as usual at the minty taste. It never really occurred to me since the day I started feeding him medicines off syringes but this time it suddenly struck me that he seems to be crying out 'why do you have to force me to this'?

I couldn't react when this thought ran through my head, I just sat on the sofa while my husband tried to pacify him. I wanted to break down and cry. 

I've lost count to the number of times my heart aches because I've to put Luke through painful stuffs which were meant to be well for him. Each and everytime was equally heart breaking...

Go away storm, you've been here long enough. I'm waiting for the rainbow. 

Today is the 6th February 2014. I feel that I have so much to pour out to, but everything gets stuck whenever I tried to release it. 

I've delivered a beautiful baby boy on 9th December 2014, and we have decided to name him 'Luke'. He's smart, playful and full of cuteness like other babies, but doctors have found him with biliary atresia. 

Kasai operation was done on 30th January 2014 and the operation lasted 6 hours. They found his gallbladder to be too small and had it removed. And today, I'm in the hospital for the fourth day, taking care of him day and night. 

So much came unexpectedly, from the day I discovered my pregnancy to where we are today. 

I always thought a child is never gonna shift my plans and opinion much and this thought stuck with me all the way till I gave birth to my son, till did I realize that I could be such a dedicated mother with all that emotions that come along with it. 

I was proved wrong of my own thoughts. Even with so many examples around me, I could still be thinking that my life wouldn't drift far from what I ideally wanted it to be despite having kids. 

And what am I thinking now you may ask? I wanna include my kids into my ideal life, I wanna be like Victoria Beckham. 

But as much as I can bring positive, there's so many whys that I can't help asking. 

Why me? 

Why does it have to be my son? 

Why can't karma be served in hell before one gets reincarnated? 

Having the chance to be reincarnated doesn't it infer that one gets a brand new life? 

All these unanswered questions... boy, its frustrating to bear. And at times I find myself getting an instant depression that makes me break down suddenly and think about those queries.

Make me believe again, because I'm getting tired. 

Today is the 2nd February 2015. Had the spare room in my house cleaned up and a computer desk replaced yesterday, I sat in front of the computer cleaning up all the thumb drives and hard disks.

Not that I'm too free to be meddling with all these things, but Luke is in the hospital. Come to think of it, I haven't had a proper post on my baby. Well, that's one thing added to my To-Do list.

So much has been happening for the last two years, I barely recall on the things of my past any more. But as I was cleaning up those memory drives, a folder of all those old photos appeared. I just had to click into it one last time. 

And I did. 

I browsed through all the photos one by one, and it seemed like there are two guys I used to cared the most, out of the twenty over I dated. I still remember their names, but their impression left in me has tainted; one is a sugar daddy while the other is a still owes me money, blah. I was pushing the down button until I reached the last photo in the folder. Looking at all the photos as a whole, I deleted the entire folder. 

They were memories for me to learn from that piece of experience, and I felt better after deleting it. 

I'm very satisfied with my current life, though sometimes I really wish I could drop by the bar any time I want for a drink or socializing. But it's okay, I could stay by my baby all day. 

I am happy, are you? :)

Today is the 31st December 2014.

It's... New year's eve. Sigh, every year this day, for so many years I lost count myself, I would think about New York this day, even if it means day dreaming in the washroom.

Last year, I watched the ball drop via my IPad, and I guess this year it's gonna be the same. No doubt it's just watching from my IPad app, I felt better not missing it like previous years. No doubt it's just me watching myself, at least I know it's something I wanted for so long. 

Sigh, the biggest parties around the clubs; the new year's count down. It seems like I could no longer reach out to these stuffs. Since the pregnancy started, all these seems to be drifting further and faster than anything else. 

They say the grass on the other side always seems to be greener, that's what I can't help but feel right now. 

Sigh... I wanna feel butterflies in my stomach again, I wanna feel excited and looking forward to something again; ecstatic and overwhelm...  

Today is the 27 Dec 2014. 

Christmas this year... felt so different. It's literally bittersweet. 

The baby has been born, and we've decided to name him 'Luke', and he's since kept us busy all day and night. I used to see it as a job (being a mother); one that perhaps require more dedication anytime, anywhere, but it has proved to be more than just it is. What is expected out of me is much more than what I was expecting to give, and the lack of sleep seem to make things more challenging. 

On the other hand, everyone is having such a good time with Christmas and parties. And to see Bruce and Joyce on SIA suites to NYC for Christmas, it's heart wrenching. I was supposed to be in NYC for Christmas this year, and to see the ball drop, but it would be wrong to blame it on the baby for missing yet another year. 

Many times, I asked myself, what the fuck have I got myself into? I could have lead a fabulous life in NYC, walking down Times Square and having Martinis on Friday nights enjoying breath taking views of the city (even if it's in a rental studio apartment I'm living in, at least it was in NYC). But endless times, I've see the joy of what right decisions have turned out to be, the smile on my husband's face when he look at the baby, it made everything instantly better. Right decisions versus heart decisions... it's not that difficult a decision to make if you properly analyse the situation, but the emotion to control that comes along to it. 

I don't deny that my appetite has dropped drastically since the delivery of my son, but I really don't wish to force myself into eating anymore now that my mind is full of shit. Mom and Dad has been asking what I'd like to have almost every meal of the day and it's frustrating to deal with. But knowing they're doing this because they care makes me suppress my anger even deeper. 

I have a deadline to pick up the skills of being a mother, because I have a job to hold. 

I still want NYC, but perusing it the way I visualized it, it's just... not, right. 

Oh god, what have I got myself into? 

Today is the 29th September 2014. Took the day off to myself and decided to write a post that I long dreaded to have it written. At times, I like being alone, but it's not easy getting the chance these days. 

Just about a month back, I've finally announced my pregnancy on Facebook. Wasn't expecting that much attention and excitement from my friends that haven't been in contact for months. But yes, I was glad they were happy for me. 

I myself, however, have not been expecting myself to be the way I am today. I mean, the way I'm reacting to this whole situation. Sure, if you'd ask me if we were ready for the plus one, I would say, yes. For we have come to a level of maturity, that we understand most of the situation and we hardly ever get into an argument anymore. It's an achievement in a relationship I believe, that not many can reach. 

This unplanned pregnancy has brought upon such surprise that till this day, I often question myself if I'm ready for what's coming. We, as a team, are ready, but deep down, I kept questioning myself if I would still hold my sanity without those partying and late night drinks, the catching up with friends and casual wandering into doing what I wanna do. And all day everyday it's just about the child, not that I'm not willing to, but more like can I do it? 

I honestly don't know how I feel. It's the first time I feel such uncertainty. 

I'm not all excited like some moms do, I don't track the progress into details or look at baby products all the time. Yeah, there are joys along the line like feeling the baby kicks and all but nah, I try to stick to my usual routine as much as possible. I prefer it that way for now. Though there are some changes that I can't avoid but my attention doesn't get there. It just stays where they were, like before. 

I don't fancy kids like most people do, maybe that's why. All of these that I'm going through, that im willing to go through, is for you. The plan of life I used to have, doesn't include marriage or children, it's mostly made up of the big city and a huge deal of charismatic living. But your appearance made me feel different, and wanting to try the definite opposite of life. It's hard to have it written in words the influence you've had on me. 

At 30 weeks now, everything becomes clearer where it's heading and how it's supposed to go. Its gonna be a tougher road ahead with a new set of challenge but I know it's something we have to conquer in a matter of time. 

Our hands are clapping, don't stop. 

Today is the 31st May 2014. Days have been dreadfully fast...

Sitting in my parents' living room alone, a sudden reminisce hit me when I heard a modified exhaust drove by. Those days... how dangerously thrilled were they. The faces and the cars started to surface in my mind, so did the experience from sitting in the front sit while they drive to impress. 

Swift came first, Euro R came second, then Mercedes C coupe, heavily modified MRS, a classic Lexus, an old old M3, heavy modified EG6 that could keep up with a 350Z, and a few others that were just stock cars. 

And I remembered the chasing of street races, the illegal drift session, the impromptu drag race with a complete stranger car next to us, the failed drift, the dangerous slither between cars, the countless times guys tried to impress by speeding on a clear straight road (which is a total turn off) and the many times just sitting by a place and admiring modified automobiles around us. 

Those late nights... heading out at 10 at night, partying the night away. Flirty dates, classy dinners, posh residential... and you never know what's gonna happen next but you still look forward to it with a high level of anticipation. 

Those are good fun times, that one have learnt to play without getting played. But good times don't last, so does your youth. You can play... but you can't play your whole life. 

Today is the 10th May 2014. P is finally here. 

Not that I'm expecting it, but I'll take my chances. Much changes are expected, while some change, I'm afraid... isn't pleasant. 

With what's about to come and those that is already here, it is rather surprising that during this time I'm still thinking about alcohol and club often. Not to mention the stress from work and the demanding mental strength required everyday. 

My mind, it seems, is all about the things I'm not advised to have; alcohol, clubs, and even New York City. Depressing as it sounds, I'm actually living life rather pleasantly. I am pleased with my life, but if I could have what's all that perhaps I'll be happier, just perhaps. We all know any happily ever after don't include booze and club in the picture, don't we? They are what topples peaceful lifes. 

I wanna let go, but how? It's totally a game of mind versus heart, on for 3 years now and still going... 

Time ain't gonna solve this. 

Today is the 9th April 2014. 

All that is happening... just makes me wanna go New York even more. 

I will go,
I have to,
I must. 

And the more unhappy I get, the more desperate I get, even if it's alone, despite the fear of getting lost. 

I have my own freedom, no one can stop me on this one. 

Today is the 3rd March 2014. 

I did it. I finally did it because I've had enough. Day one starts today... 3rd March 2014. And god knows when he would realizes what I've done. 

What was I angry at? I was angry at how you still got the cheek to post on Facebook telling everyone how last year's full marathon was your 'first and last' and you're not sure if you're stopping. What? So you think that it's okay to just tell me something and forget about it or take back your words just like that? And you had to make it worse thinking it was okay to like Yam's status or photo or whatever shit it is. If you wanna tell me something then make sure you keep to your words or don't regret one day I'll do the same to you.

If all these happened and I'm not mad then I'll have no fucking dignity. But no, that's not the case. 

I'll just pretend to smile and you'll believe that my anger is dismissed. Like I said, pointless to argue, so why say it? It's not like I haven't brought it up before. We've argued about it many times. So what's the point of saying it when the same things will happen again? 

Today is the 2nd March 2014. I have been back on blogging quite often now, haven't I?

Boy, is that a good sign or not, you tell me.

Things have been quite different now, I felt it... I no longer care as much, because I gave up a huge part of expectation. Is that giving up? Or is that really letting you be happy at what you do.

At this rate, I can guarantee you that we are not gonna have any children. Because you are always immersed in your own activity, the games and texts on the phone, the runs you go for, the social activity you engage to somehow try and score a promotion. Yes, you got a life, and I'm now telling you to wake up or stay in your dreams forever.

Our interaction a day totals up to less than one hour. When was the last time I argued about little things? That was so long ago, but recently I look at you and I thought, 'it's pointless to argue anymore, everything will just be the same after the arguement and I'm only making myself angry for things that will never change'. I would rather stick to doing my own things. 

And I'm gonna tell you that I don't intend to have kids after 30. We have six years from now to work on it or you can forget about being a father. 

Yes, I am harsh. But goddamn it, so am I trying to be realistic with you. 

Deal with it.

Today is the 24th February 2014. I'm blogging at the hospital while waiting for my turn to see the doctor. Tired from sleeping too much, oh, how ironic is that...

Sometime back, during Chinese New Year, I was having dinner at my Mom's and only my sister, her husband and me was seated around the table. Talking bout having a baby and stuffs. And we came to the pain factor when in labor, and she said firmly and without hesitation at all,'敏敏一定可以的'. She meant, I could definitely pull through without the epidural. I'm not so sure myself, but I'm genuinely touched that she had so much faith in me. Yes, having gone through twice of extracting my own bone marrow was no joke, but I've never really compared the pain factor of both. I mean, the pain you feel is close but definitely at different parts of the body. I, too, hope that I could pull through without epidural. But that's for me to think about only when the time comes for me to have a baby. Would I ever have one? It's a lot to consider and sacrifice come to speak of it, if it haven't been for my medical condition perhaps I would be ready for one already. And perhaps, I would have made it to New York already. 

New York, so much emotion over these two words. Longing to go for what... About five years now? And I still couldn't make it. I wouldn't take no for an answer on this one, I want to go, and I will go, it's only a matter of time when having enough money and having a travel partner comes together to fit the perfect picture nicely. 

I'm reaching an age of a quarter of a century, as far as I know, if I don't start on the things I wanna achieve, there ain't enough time for me to do it no more. 

I know what I want in life, do you? 

I'm pretty sure there are a handful of people around that doesn't know what they want. And they simply follow the 'standard procedure'; study, graduate, find a job, get a girlfriend, be married, have kids, and wait for retirement and die. I don't want that, I wanna achieve big things, no, definitely not career wise, life wise. I wanna be able to do the things that inspire me the most, that make me so determined. Despite certain unexpected circumstances, I still know what I want. It's only a matter of proper management of your life. And it doesn't matter if I finally get to achieve it before I die because at least, I gave it a shot, no matter how many obstacles stand in my way and no matter how many people tell me it's not gonna be easy. I tried and I never gave up, it stays in me, progressing slowly but surely. At the very least, I have a dream, I've got a goal to hit, I... know what I want. 

Sad that the people around me doesn't realize the burning passion I have and the disappointment I get from failing to go to New York time and again. Perhaps I don't really show it, and the disappointment doesn't stays long. Because I get up on my feet soon enough and continue pursuing my dream.

They might even cheer with joy that I'm not able to make it, but that's okay, I still love them, because I know why and what made them act like this. 

Everything is gonna get better, I believe... :)

Today is the 10th February 2014.

Been pretty moody recently... not exactly sure why, but probably due to my period hormones changing like volcano. 

I've been thinking about the forbidden things again, not a good sign I would say, much like a rewind of my memory, but the other part of the usual stuffs. 

I've been thinking about the people whom I've hurt... unintentionally... and not just any of them, particularly guys who hold feelings for me and was hoping for chances. I feel deeply apologetic to them.

And I know a few of them still does... no worries, I've cut all form of contact from them. 

I just feel sad that even before they could start, they already face rejection simply because I'm attached or married? Why couldn't we have met earlier? Then they would get a chance, at least a shot at trying. 

The point is, if they don't even get a chance to start then what's the point of us meeting and knowing each other. Then I have to be the bad one to reject them in the face? It is utterly unfair that people don't even get a chance at trying just because we were knew each other at the wrong time. 

And the memory of them breaking down in front of me because I have rejected them... the sadness and anger, just sink into the bottom of my brain like it's tied to a giant rock.  

Some of them argue to stay as friends, some of them simply stay away after the rejection. But neither of them comes close, I won't let them anywhere near enough to jeopardize my marriage.  

Perhaps the mind is in need of a good club session, wanting to release the unhappiness and all the stress from work. Two years six months, that's how long I've been trying to quit drinking completely, but have failed one time after the other. I can't believe alcohol is the only thing that can make me care free. 

今天是二月六日。好快啊，有是新的一年。

心想，今年起，我要学会看开一点。这样对你我都好，少吵一点，多爱一些。

或许吧，身边有伴的人都在吵吵闹闹，吵些有的没得，闹些不值得的。看了听了都很累，肯本不想也不愿意让我们会有一天跟他们一样。

看开一点，就是再也不用要求你戒烟，
看开一点，就是再也不用对你爱打麻将买马票而生气。

哪怕这些再伤身，再花钱，只要换来的是开心两个字，我也满意了。都几岁了，是好是坏你自己应该分得清。于其经常苦口婆心的在你耳边唠叨，不如用那心思与时间在自己喜欢的事情上，这样不是好很多吗？你开心我也开心。

人生，不是掏债就是还债。但两回都无法逃出‘烦’这一个字。何为‘烦’人？

人生太憔悴了，不值得为不必要的事情不开心。